Premature Gerontology Panic

with 2 comments

Have you ever sat down and think how would it be when you are old and alone and fucking broke? I have been thinking about that. The thing, I cannot be sure, I know that it is the same for everybody, nobody can be sure of anything right? But with the risk of sounding self-absorbed, I felt that it is less surer for me than any average.

I now that there are people that have it all well charted, to be a house and a car before they are 30, then get married, have kids, retirement planning, the locks and the stocks. I think too much, I always wonder is there something else when I am already on one side that I have seen greener before. There are always greener pastures that I am looking for. That this chase for the pot of gold at the end o f the rainbow just gives me nothing in the very end. The problem is, I am not even chasing, most of the road I take has in a way or another, handsomely paved for me. The amount that I put to be where I am today is so little compared to the whole picture.

Sometimes, I secretly think that I don’t deserve a lot of things. That I am going to screw it all, once I leave myself uncheck just for that one second. I have my own imaginary twin just like the online stripper in Heroes that I would like to put the blame on for every evil deed, misdeeds, things that I have and have not done for my well-being. My Doppelgänger.

Sometimes I wish that I would be content. That I never question. That I am more focused and stop being such a stray. That I am only interested in one or fewer things. That I don’t try to fill those many shoes that I create for myself. I am in a fucking big mess that I just do not how to address and put an end to. The problem is, it is not visible to everyone and to me. That it is not apparent like a homeless sleeping in a cardboard. At least the problem would be easily identified.

I am so tired of listening to myself sounding like an unappreciative cunt who just can’t stop complaining.

But I can’t help thinking how would I be when I’m old. Especially when I am romanticising with my colleague of how marriage is an utterly obsolete concept. It still is, it still is. Marriage is an insurance. Which you paid with staying filial to one, provide financially and emotionally, which the reward is you (maybe) would not be alone when you are old, when you are best not to be alone. During the time that being alone is one of the worst thing that could happen to you. Those Hallmark channels with two elderly holding each other arm in arm have really worked their way up to your system.

I don’t want to be alone either. Although quite unbearable, it is still ok now, now that I am still young and life seems to have more promises ahead. But when your life is stretching thin and your age reaches the life expectancy average, you can only occasionally get tender loving care by all paid care from the nurses (that you can’t choose) from the nursery home.  And stop dropping things for the nurse to pick up you dirty old man!

Good luck and have fun growing old.


Written by yuenkokleong

November 9, 2007 at 7:20 am

2 Responses

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  1. It sparked my thought. It reminded me of I’m no longer a YOUNGSTER. I’ve been thinking the same thing Yuen. You are not in the position to say this young man. Let an old ple assure you here, growing old is not decay, it’s growth in the sense. It isn’t like I embrace growing old, it’s just thing that we couldn’t avoid. “Mind over matter” which was Mao Zedong’s idea. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Don’t you remember you’ve told me this before, do you?

    Well, MARRIAGE — which always associated with COMMITMENT.. It is a management of uncertainties rather than insurance I supposed. You are exposing risk if you were to get married.

    Don wanna be alone? Take the risk then.


    November 16, 2007 at 3:04 am

  2. Well, old is just one of the thousands adjectives that a person who can describe themselve with. It can always be replaced with something else. The fact is, it is not the old age that I think everybody seems to be scared of. It’s dying. Old age is just a reminder that you are always approaching death, that the only thing for sure in life is death and old age is like an annoying reminder of that.

    The truth is, I don’ think marriage is the solution. The thing about people getting old is, they start to isolate themselves from social activities just because they want to repent, spend some time with the Almighty yada yada. Since I don’t believe in one, I aspire to be a swinger (Farhana would laugh at this) till I can’t do it anymore. Since there is nothing after death, we’ll sin till the day that we could not anymore.

    Sinners, keep on doing what you have been doing, never REPENT!


    November 19, 2007 at 2:09 am

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